dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
