just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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