The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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