yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
