Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
