you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
