oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
