So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
