one might say we're banned from that church
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
