Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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