he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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