Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
