NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
