M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You did what with his pubic hair?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
