Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
