The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
