my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
