I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
