Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
