guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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