At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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