I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
