My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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