I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
