it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
