I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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