I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
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I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
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All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.