I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one