dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.