Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
