the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
