You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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