Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
