I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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