I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
