I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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