Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
pray to the hookup gods
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
