just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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