I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
