end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
