I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
