Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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