Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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