omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
