Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
