Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
