one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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