i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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