4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
