the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
