What a fucking waste of an outfit
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
