You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
