Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
