actually, I'm a sock model
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
