I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
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He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.