please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later