Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon