I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
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Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.