One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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